


Always Gonna Be My Type

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anal Sex, Bros with Benefits, Established Relationship, Guilt, Incest, Kinda, M/M, Shame, Surprise Sex, a little gagging, all that good stuff, and some tying up, best kinda surprise right there, but really, dave is awkward during the sex, dirk talkin some smack, guilty dave, i guess its kinda funny, it is wrong, its more of a, just so yknow, smut at the end, theres BDSM, we got some dirty talk, why are you having sex with your little brother?, woohoo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-10
Updated: 2015-04-10
Packaged: 2018-03-22 04:21:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3714841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What you're doing is wrong. You know it's wrong. It's so wrong that it has literally broken the scale of things that are wrong and it's floating off in this space of things that are just-- wrong. Everything is completely wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always Gonna Be My Type

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kooper](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Kooper).



* * *

     It's wrong.

     What you're doing is wrong. You know it's wrong. It's so wrong that it has literally broken the scale of things that are wrong and it's floating off in this space of things that are just-- wrong. Everything is completely wrong.

     When you were blessed with the little bundle of joy known as your brother when your parents died, you were happy and sad. You were sad because, well, your parents died. And that's a really depressing thing, even though you rarely talked to them and you never really liked them and you ended up moving away once you were 16. Dirk was 3 and you were 18. You loved Dirk. Even when your parents were alive, you would come visit more often because of Dirk. They would let you take Dirk home for the occasional weekend, because you loved him. 13 years later and you still love him.

     It's just not the same anymore.

     You glance over at the sleeping boy lying next to you. He's naked. You're naked. You're both naked and that's wrong. The fact that you two had sex prior to him falling asleep is wrong. It's incest. It's underage sex. It's illegal. It's jail time for you and therapy for him. Bottom line is: it's wrong.

     How it all started is still a blur. He was 13 and you were 28, and yes, you're well aware of that disgusting age gap. It started with him winning your daily strifes on the roof. Just things you both did. You're still not sure why. Training him for a day that never came you suppose. Anyways, he began winning, and you knew that day would come, but you didn't think it would come so soon. He would move so fluidly, so quickly, so beautifully. He would pin you to the ground with his katana (a fucking katana) held against your neck. And for some reason, that was thrilling.

     It started with accidentally walking in on you while you were showering and lingering for too long. It started with dropping too many things in front of you and bending over _just so_ to pick them up. It started with you taking trips more frequently to LA because of your career and having him greet you with a tight hug when you came home. It started with one too many kisses to the cheek. It started with hearing him moan your name behind his bedroom door late at night. It started with one of you - you're still not sure who - kissing the other.

     And then how it spiraled.

     Kissing led to touching to led to sex and repeat. Years had passed and you still didn't find yourself telling him to stop when he kissed you. Telling him no when he unbuttoned your pants. Telling him it was wrong when he took your tip into his mouth. You were disgusting. You were disgusting because you enjoyed it. And you enjoyed it because you were disgusting. How could you tell him to stop, when you couldn't even stop yourself?

     You glance over at the sleeping boy lying next to you. His face is soft, so soft. You know because you've held it between your hands when you kissed him with passion. His eyes are closed and he's breathing quietly. His chest rises and falls with every breath as he sleeps and dreams of better things. Maybe of a world where you don't prey on him like you do. Even though you know he likes it just as much as you do.

     Sometimes you wonder who is the predator and who is the prey. According to the law, you are the predator. You are completely and undoubtedly in the wrong. According to you, you are the prey. Since day one, Dirk has been cornering you into this relationship. You're not sure why, but he has been. He's enamored with you; completely lost in you. And you don't know why. He's initiated every single one of your encounters. He kissed first, touched first, moaned first. You just want to know why.

     But you can't know why. And you shouldn't want to know why. It. Is. Wrong.

     You need to end this. You know you do. What would he even say though? What would you say? Would Dirk fight back? Would he corner you again? Make you stay? He doesn't seem like the type to give up. Actually, you know he's not the type to give up. Even when you're totally kicking his ass in Super Smash Bros, he still keeps fighting. There is no way that Dirk will just let you end things. You'll need facts. Straight up facts to hit him with. You'll rip apart this entire arrangement from the seams using facts and laws and threats. And by the time you've finished, there will be no way for Dirk to piece it back together.

     You'll see. In the morning. You'll all see.

\---

     He's already out of bed when you get up, which is fine by you, gives you time to think and look up facts on your phone. First, you look up the jail time you could be serving, because that's probably your hardest fact. Then you look up celebrity scandals that are similar to see their consequences. And then you look at some pictures of cats so you can calm yourself down before going into the storm. It's going to be hell, but the cats will help.

     Once you've succesfully wasted about an hour, you get up and pull on some sweatpants. Deep breath Dave, you're a man. You can do this. You walk out into the main part of the apartment suite, the living room that's kinda mixed with the kitchen. Dirk is standing by the kitchen counter, eating a bowl of frosted flakes. There's no milk in the bowl, and not because you don't have any, the fucker's just weird about his cereal.

     "Dirk. We need to talk. A real talk too, I'm not about to start spilling into details about celebrity gossip right now, this is serious shit we need to address." Alright. Here's your chance. Dirk looks up at you, totally blank expression. You remember when you taught him how to hide his emotions behind his shades, how to poker face it out. He's better at it than you now, like a robot. "I'm listening."  
  
     "Look, what we're doing-- this _thing_ , it's wrong. We have to stop. And before you say anything, lemme just go over some shit with you. First of all, jail? Yea, that's a thing. We're talking 25 years minimum with all the stuff we've been doing, and that's if I'm lucky. Second of all, my career? My movies? Forget about them. They'll be wiped clean from existence. My entire life will go straight down the drain of a gas station porta-potty. I'd be lucky to get a job after jail time, if I ever get out that is. I can't risk this continuing Dirk, it needs to stop. I'm really putting my foot down here. It's over."

     There's a beat of silence. Then another. Dirk takes a bite of cereal and nods, "Kay."

     That's it. That's all he says. It's over. Nice and done. Simple as that. Kay.

     The rest of your visit goes by smoothly; you both act as if nothing happened. The sexual relationship you two used to have disappears, fades into the background. Your sleep at night is uninterrupted by a young boy coming into your room and kissing you. It's relieving and also.. Unsettling? A part of your life has just been taken away from you and you're still trying to get used to that. Not that you miss it or anything. That would be wrong.

     Still a lot to get used to though. You're jealous of how well Dirk is handling it. _You_  dumped  _him_ , so why does it feel like the other way around? He's completely impassive about it all, just a stone-faced teen living a semi-normal life. You say semi-normal because you're only with him for about a handful of the weekends in the year, and that's if you're lucky.

     Maybe that's why he thought this was ok? You are his brother, but you're not really a guardian. He probably thought this whole sex arrangement was cool since you were never around. You're more like a roommate that's never there rather than a bro. Or that cousin that comes to visit occasionally when they need a place to stay because they gambled too much again. Except you only come home to check up on Dirk. You would move him with you to L.A, but you don't want him to deal with all of that. He'd lose what little friends he does have at school, and he'd be bombarded with paparazzi. Too much publicity for a 15 year old. 

     So he stays at the apartment you first got when you moved to Texas. It's shabby and small and you always tell him that you could get him a better one, but he says he likes it. The neighbors are fun to mess with he says. You don't really care as long as the kid is happy at home. He can take care of himself when you're not there. You got him a credit card when he was 13 and told him to use it on reasonable items like groceries. When he called you his "sugar daddy", you went to your room to lie down for a bit.

     Dirk doesn't waste the money you give him. He never buys cool toys or gadgets or other useless bull crap. You know that he wants a lot of cool technological shit, but he refrains from buying it; only using your money on microwaveable dinners and bagel bites and other cheap meal plans. He does buy a lot of orange soda though, which is a little weird, but then again you ~~are~~  were the same way with apple juice. 

     You're sure that he'll be fine on his own. Maybe now that you've ended things, he'll finally move on, find someone else. That's what you're hoping for at least. The kid needs friends like Madonna needs to retire. This is all going to be good, you can swipe your dirty crimes under the rug and move on. Only the memories can make it continue and you aren't too fond of those, so, it's basically gone.

     The end.

     Time to go back to L.A and continue writing movies that are complete shit, but also ironic shit. There's layers to your movies. Just like one of your (ironic) role models once said, "onions have layers." Thanks, Chief Keef. Yea. Chief Keef definitely said that.

\---

     It's been about 3 months since you dumped him. You try not to think about the relationship, but it's not easy. Being in L.A most of the time helps. It keeps you distracted from the young boy sitting at home that you used to fool around with. He never really texts you either, only if needs more money or something like that. You only text him when you're coming home. In fact, you need to text him right now for that very reason.

  
TG: hey lil man whats hanging?  
TT: I thought I told you not to call me that.  
TG: you sure did  
TG: doesnt mean im gonna stop though dude  
TG: life just isnt fair like that yknow?  
TG: if everyone got what they wanted in life then wed have way too many white soccer moms with buff boyfriends  
TG: too many cougars on the prowl for this planet  
TG: someone call animal control because weve got a huge crisis on our hands  
TT: Maybe you should stop now before I block you again.  
TG: yea good point  
TG: anyways  
TG: gonna come roost in the nest this weekend if thats chill with you  
TG: thought we could have a weekend to ourselves  
TT: Ok.  
TG: yea so  
TG: see you soon i guess  
TT: I'll make sure to clean up for you, make some fancy dinner for us.  
TT: And by fancy I mean pizza.  
TT: And by make I mean order.  
TG: im still a fan of plain cheese  
TT: I know you are.  


     Haha, this kid, right? He's kind of an arrogant prick sometimes, but then you remember who raised him and you get it. Dirk is a prick because you're a prick. He's just a different breed of prick considering you weren't there 24/7 in order for him to be a mini you. You did give him the shades you wore when you were a kid though, some kind of pointy anime shades. That was before your best bro John got you some kickass new shades. You've never stopped wearing those since.

     Anyways. Kid brother, at home. You're currently turning off your cell phone as your plane takes off. This will be the first visit ever since you broke things off. Hopefully it goes ok. You're still not sure what you'd do if he came onto you. The plan would obviously be to shove him off, but sometimes Dirk could be really convincing. He didn't even need to use words sometimes in order to get you ha--

     "Would you like a complimentary glass of alcohol sir?" You probably shouldn't get drunk before going home. Even if you will have a cab waiting for you at the airport once you get there. However, a little buzz could help you pass out a little faster, and some sleep is just what you need. "If you have any hard apple cider, that'd be great." The stewardess nods and heads off, getting you a nice glass of the bubbly to chug down. 

     Sleep comes easily after that.

\---

     The visit with Dirk goes about as normally as one could expect. He's already eating pizza by the time you get there, just sitting on the couch and watching some horse documentary. The kid's got a weird obsession with horses, you don't really get it. Just like you said, he hardcore needs some friends. 

     You two eat pizza until both of your stomachs are bulging out (you like to refer to them as food babies and ironically name them after food items). And then Dirk cleans up the pizza box, puts on some comedy movie, and sits back on the couch with you. The conversation is mainly about you. It's always been like that though, Dirk doesn't talk much unless he really has something to say. So you ramble on about the new movie you're working on, random interviews you've been having, different celebrities you've seen at parties. The normal stuff.

     "So you're telling me that you actually got to talk to Ellen Page at a party thrown by Daniel Radcliffe?" Well, you might have gotten some names mixed up. But you weren't about to admit that to Dirk. "Hell yea I did, it was crazy. Truth be told, I almost got Ellie's number, but I decided she wasn't worth my time."

     Dirk narrows his eyes behind his shades, "Y'know, I don't remember hearing about Daniel Radcliffe actually throwing parties."

     "Probably because you're not invited to them."

     He backs off after that. You know he doesn't really believe you, but there's a small shred of doubt in him and that's good enough for you. As long as he doubts himself, that's close enough to trusting you. Even though he shouldn't. Whatever.

     The rest of your time spent with Dirk is just about as exciting as that. You leave Sunday morning after two full nights of sleep. Sleep with no interruptions once again. Just you, in your bed. 

     You try not to dwell on how disappointing that is for some reason.

\---

     Your visits over the next year go the same way. You show up, you chill, you leave. Dirk never really talks about much, but you're starting to hear some names get repeated. Roxy. Jane. Jake. 

     Ugh, Jake. Dirk talks about Jake a lot. You're not really sure when it all started, but it kind of annoys you. 

     "He's a huge dork, I'm not kidding. You know that new TMNT movie? The one we watched ironically? Yea, he  _loves_ that movie, it's hysterical. Actually, he loves every movie he watches, unironically. Plus, he has this English accent, which is kinda ironic 'cause his last name is English, but I dunno, I think it's a cool accent. Roxy thinks it's just to die for, but I don't know if I'd say that. I mean, he's kinda adorable in a dorky sort of way, but-"

     And on. And on. And  _on._

     It's not like you're really upset or anything. You're pretty glad that he's moved on from you, because it's about time that he developed a crush for someone else. But does he really have to talk about it all the time? At this point, hearing Jake's name just makes you want to gag. He's like a pile of dog shit that got left out in the Texan sun and now it's starting to melt and you can't really walk by it without getting a good whiff of that shit just lingering in the air. You've never met Jake in person. But you know that he's dog shit.

     Also, calling you jealous is like calling Iggy Azalea a good rapper. In other words, you're not even close to jealous. What's there to be jealous about? You ended things with Dirk and you are  _not_ going to start that up again. It's wrong. 

     Besides, you've moved on. Or.. You're trying to. It's not that simple, ok? There's not a whole ton of people who just wanna date you because you're a cool guy. They only want you because you're a celebrity and because you could give them 'their next big break'. They don't love you the way you want to be loved.

     They don't love you the way Dirk did.

\---

     Three years. Something like that. Dirk just turned 18. Your visits have become rare, at least once a month. Maybe once every two months. Not like Dirk really cares though. Hell, sometimes he isn't even there. There's been a few times where you've shown up just in time for Dirk to be on his way out. But that's what you wanted, isn't it? You said he needed friends and he got friends.

     It feels like a waste of time if you're being completely honest though. Sometimes you feel like he plans his sleepovers for the exact time when you're visiting, just so he can avoid you. You don't like eating Chinese takeout leftovers he has in the fridge while watching crappy (ironic) romcoms alone. It's not a pleasant experience for anyone. It's selfish, but seriously! You rarely see Dirk, the least he could do is be home when you visit.

     Sometimes you think about trying to start things back up with him. Maybe then he would spend more time with you. But then you remember how dumb that is because, jail. And also, you're pretty sure Dirk is far past "moved on". He hasn't made a move on you since you ended things. He probably hasn't even thought about making a move on you.

     So maybe this is why you're at a club right now, looking around for any available hotties. You've got on one of your nice fitted shirts, some skinny black pants, a nice red tie, and, of course, your shades. You checked before having your driver take you over here and, yea, you look pretty hot. Maybe even sexy if you try hard enough. 

     Nobody here looks remotely worth your time though. You've never really had a preference when it comes to gender, so pickings were always pretty easy for you. Anyone attractive who looked like they could give you a good time. You came, you saw, you fucked. End of story.

     Tonight's not going so smoothly though.

     There was one guy who you thought was pretty attractive, but you ruled him out when you saw he was taller than you. It bothered you for some reason. You ruled out all of the girls because you just weren't looking for that tonight. Weren't really in the mood. One guy was too pale. Another was too skinny. Hair was too dark. Eyes were too normal. Shoulders were too broad.

     Maybe your standards were too high. You had never really had a type before, but as you found reasons  _not_ to go after certain people, you quickly realized that you had a type. Let's see then: Shorter than you, but not by too much, maybe at eye level with your nose? Yea, your nose. Pretty slim, but also well-built; someone who obviously works out from time to time. A little on the tan side, freckles would be a bonus. But not a ton of freckles, just a few here and there. Blonde hair if possible. Styled, especially styled up, would be great. Piercing eyes, hidden behind shades. A cute smile that you rarely get to see because he's always so emotionless. 

     Basically. 

     Dirk.

     Dirk is your type. Your only type. No one could ever compare to Dirk. He knew just how and where and when to touch you. He knew when to slow down and when to go fast. He knew how to draw out every single moan and whimper from you until you were begging for him to let you fuck him. It's pathetic, but it's true. 

     He's ruined you. Completely ruined you. You haven't had sex in three years because Dirk has ruined all other sex for good. If it's not with him, then what's the point? 

     You need to go home to him. Maybe you can still fix things before it's too late. Even if he's not home right now, you'll wait there for him, you'll wait as long as you need to. From what you've heard, he's still single. Jake is apparently still debating whether or not he's ready for a relationship (especially a gay one), so you've got a window of opportunity. It's now or never. Time to get your agent to book a flight. Pronto.

TG: hey hey hey its your favorite celeb  
EB: dude! it's like 6pm! i'm trying to eat dinner, what are you doing bothering me?  
TG: ouch what a greeting  
TG: i thought you loved talking to me  
EB: when i'm not eating, yea.  
TG: OUCH  
TG: you really know how to hurt a guys feelings  
TG: im gonna need some 911 emergency response after that  
TG: theyll need to use those electrical shock things on my chest just so i start breathing again  
TG: mr strider can you tell us what happened?  
TG: it was.. my agent..  
TG: slash best bro who i thought loved and cared for me..  
TG: he totally told me off and now..  
TG: and then blammo  
TG: fatality  
EB: haha, wow. all that because i didn't want you to bother me?  
TG: its not bothering  
TG: its hitting up a bro  
TG: asking him hows it hanging  
TG: whats he doing  
EB: siiiiiiiigh  
EB: what do you want dave?  
TG: who said i wanted anything?  
EB: you only text me if you need something dude.  
TG: not true  
TG: i also text you on holidays  
EB: right. anywaaaaaaaays.  
TG: alright  
TG: i need to go home  
EB: right now??  
TG: yea  
TG: asap please  
EB: you have casting calls tomorrow!  
TG: please  
TG: as if me being there is gonna make a difference  
EB: it's your movie!!  
TG: and i trust your opinion  
EB: you're supposed to be on late night tomorrow too.  
TG: cancel it  
EB: daaaaaaaave!  
TG: joooooooohn!  
EB: i really don't like you sometimes.  
TG: love you too egbert  
EB: be at the airport in 15 minutes if you can make it.  
TG: youre a lifesaver baby  
TG: remind me to give you a raise  
EB: i remind you every day.  
TG: haha yea  
TG: good talk bro  
EB: uh huh.  
TG: hey  
TG: youre still the bestest friend i ever had  
EB: bestest isn't a word, but i feel the same way.  
TG: <3  
EB: don't make it gay dude.

     Damn, gotta love that Egbert charm. He's the best bro you've ever had, and the only friend you've ever needed. It was no surprise to anyone when you hired him to be your agent. John's the only dude you can really trust anymore.

     Anyways, you quickly get out of the club (which isn't difficult considering it's 6PM, god, how desperate _are_ you?) and get your driver's attention. He's speeding down the streets of L.A. to the nearest airport in seconds. And from there it's just a hop, skip, and a big jump all the way home. You hail a cab, give the address, and speed to your apartment complex. It's okay that you didn't pack anything because you have a few spare clothes still at the place. You think.

     When you open the door, you're extremely happy to find that Dirk is, in fact, home. He's chilling in a tshirt and sweatpants, watching that one movie with the blue cat people. Weird movie in your opinion. Not enough comedy or irony. And no movie is a good movie without a little irony in it. (And a little nudity, but this movie's got some of that so it's okay)

     Dirk immediately directs his attention to you when you walk in and close the door behind you, "Bro? What are you doing home? You didn't even text dude." Oh yea. You forgot to give him a heads up. Oh well, that's kinda your fault you suppose. However, you're not really in the mood to explain yourself because explaining at this point would be way too complicated.

     A guy can't simply say, "Hey, I know I dumped you like 3 years ago because what we were doing was super duper not ok, but I still haven't gotten over you and we should totally have sex right now because I haven't had sex since I dumped you and that sounds really great right about now."

     So you don't explain yourself. You march right over to him and stand directly in front of him. Yes, this is definitely what you want, no turning back at this moment. You've made up your mind. Plus, the most you could really serve in jail now is 30 days for incest and shit, Dirk is officially legal. That's also kind of horrible that you're thinking of that. Whatever, you're about to have sex with your baby brother so who are you to judge yourself?

     You tilt his chin up so he's at the perfect angle for you to kiss him. Fuck yes, three years is a long time to wait. Dirk doesn't seem to be pulling away, but you're not sure if that's because he wants it or because he's shocked. You're fine with either at this point. Leaning in for the kiss, you close your eyes and--

     The toilet flushes.

     Why does the toilet flush?

     You look up, still inches away from Dirk's face, and find a young boy walking out of the bathroom. He's about Dirk's age, with tan skin and dark hair. He kinda reminds you of John, but dorkier (if that was possible). The kid's in cargo shorts and a tshirt. Like, short cargo shorts. It makes you a bit uncomfortable. His glasses are pretty dorky too. He's dorky.

     "Dirk, have I missed- oh. Hello there! You must be Dirk's brother. I'm Jake, Jake English."  _Jake._  You can practically taste the vomit in your mouth already. All those years listening to Dirk go on and on about some dorky Casanova. And here he is. In the flesh. The person Dirk moved on to. Your replacement. "Um.. Pardon my asking but.. What exactly are you two.. Doing?" Oh right. The whole kissing thing. Uh.

      Well fuck. You didn't think you'd get caught, honestly, so you let your guard down. Which was a pretty dumb move on your part because now you're caught red-handed. Or, in this case, Dirk-handed. For once in your life, you're actually speechless. You have no thoughts on how to weasel your way out of this. You're trapped. Your mind has blanked. All you can do now is wait for short shorts over there to slowly piece together everything, tell the cops, and then bam. Jail time.

     Dirk saves you.

     He gives you one of those weird grins that you give the dentist when you have to show off your teeth, "I promise, Bro. I've been brushing my teeth while you've been gone. No more cavities like last time." Cavities? Dirk's never gotten a cavity in his life. You never need to tell him when to brush his teeth because the kid is so damn hygienic. What is he-? Oh. Ok.

     You let go of his face and step back, "About damn time. Do I look like the sort of guy who can shell out 100 big ones every time you 'forget' to brush your pearly whites?" Dirk kicks you lightly in the shin and you know he's probably pissed behind that robot-like expression, "Considering you make more money in a year than I could even dream of touching in my life, yea, I'd say that's a fair statement."

     Jake still looks pretty uncomfortable, but Dirk manages to bring him in to this. He waves Count Dorkula over and in a flash (but not a Strider flash), Jake is seated beside Dirk. You prickle a bit with jealousy. 

     "Bro, this is my friend, Jake. Jake, this is my Bro." Jake extends out his hand to greet you, but you keep your hands in your pockets because 1) handshakes aren't cool and 2) you don't want to touch Jake. In fact, you really just want to go sit in your room and mope around for a bit. So you do. You just leave the main room and go to your bedroom and close the door. Jake can be heard asking Dirk if you don't like him, but Dirk says you barely know him and that you probably don't hate him.

     Lies. You hate him.

\---

     You've been home for about half an hour (making it around 12), when Dirk knocks on your door and tells you they ordered pizza and that if you want some you should get some. The only reason you come out is because Dirk asked. If it had been Jake, you would have just stayed in your room. 

    All three of you sit around the coffee table in front of the TV. Dirk is in the middle of the futon with you and Jake on either end. The pizza smells absolutely delicious and the whole scene is almost perfect for you. Spending some time with your brother. But Jake is here. So that's why it's not completely perfect, just almost.

     Dirk opens the pizza box and you're hit with the heavenly smell of cheese and tomato and pizza crust and.. Pineapple? You glance down at the pizza, "The fuck is all this? What's all this yellow shit? Did you ask for pizza with a side of Spongebob's house?" Jake looks over with a guilty smile, "Sorry sir, I like pineapple on my pizza."

     That. Fucking. Bitch.

     Not only have you been replaced by this buck-toothed freak of nature (pineapple is not a condiment!), but you have been tossed aside. Your opinions no longer matter in the world of Dirk and Jake. Just as you swept Dirk under the rug, he has swept _you_ under the rug. And it's not fair. Yes, you're aware that life isn't fair because of the cougar moms on the prowl in a perfect world. But it's not fair. You want it to be fair.

     After shooting Jake a glare so icy it could freeze the Sahara, you get up with a huff, "I'll just get some fucking apple jacks." Stupid nerdy boys that like stupid nerdy pineapple. You grumble about that while pouring some good ol' apple jacks into a bowl. And you pour in the milk too, cause you're not weird. You sit back down on the couch though, but only because the "sex" scene is on for the movie and it always fascinates you how the whole braid thing works. In a totally ironic way of course.

     Jake talks throughout the entire thing. "Did you see that Dirk? Did you??" "Wooow, look at that." "I think this is my favorite scene right here." "That was so cool!" "This is my favorite scene." "What's your favorite scene Dirk?" "What do you think will happen next?" Your brother doesn't seem to mind. He answers Jake's questions calmly and quickly and even chuckles a bit at some of his enthusiasm. Dirk  _chuckles._ He never chuckles!

     Needless to say, by the end of the movie, you were pretty much fed up with Jake being here. Let alone his entire existence. If you had to describe him, you would use three words, all starting with "A": Annoying, Arrogant, and A-Pain-In-The-Ass. Why your brother is so swept away by him, you don't understand. But it makes you pissed as anything.

     You're pretty sure Dirk has picked up on the fact that you very strongly dislike Jake. He doesn't say anything, but you know he knows. Jake doesn't know though. The idiot still keeps smiling and chatting, oblivious to the hatred and jealousy you have for him. Fucking prick. He's not nearly as attractive as you. Better manners, maybe. But his sense of humor is laughable in itself. What does he have that you don't?

     You go to bed angry and confused. Your visit definitely just got cut short, there's no way you're staying on this roller coaster ride of "adventure!" and "spiffy jiffy hangouts!". Seriously,  _what_ does your brother see in that guy??

     The boys go to bed shortly after you do. They must not be sharing the bed because you hear the sound of a sleeping bag shuffling around on the floor as well as your brother crawling into his bed. Good. It makes you feel a little better knowing they aren't snuggling during the night. As far as you know, Dirk only snuggles with you. Although the last time you did that was 3 years ago.

     Whatever. Fuck it. You're going to bed and leaving in the morning. 

\---

     You wake up by a sudden weight on your chest.

     Yes, you're aware how cliche the situation sounds, but that's what happens. As a Strider, you are trained to wake up at the slightest disturbance. So when a 140 (maybe even 150??) something pound teen sits down upon your chest suddenly, you're going to wake up. Any normal person, actually, would wake up because of that.

     You rub your eyes groggily and reach over for your shades, but your hand gets slapped away. Judging from the lack of light in the room, it's still in the middle of the night. Maybe 3? 4? You're not really sure. Too early to be up, that's the truth.

     "Dirk? What the fuck are you--?" Some sort of fabric is quickly shoved into your mouth. It has a smooth sort of texture and it's not very big. Hey wait a second, is this your tie?! What a fucking prick! You grunt angrily at him and go to remove the tie from your mouth, but he pins your arms down above your head and you suddenly realize that things are going south. Like, crotch south you mean. As in, you're starting a new campsite down in your pants with the tent that's getting pitched. How does Dirk get to you so quickly?

     "Shut up and stay still. Jake is still sleeping next door and I don't want you to wake him up ok?" You nod. Yea, couldn't wake up the precious little Jake. He would probably scream in terror if he saw what your brother was going to do to you. Hot damn, this is what you were waiting for.

     "It's been three years Bro. Three years since you ended our little love affair. And now you've come crawling back home for more." His fingers walk up your bare chest and you regret taking your shirt off before bed, but you never really sleep with it on. You're always afraid it'll choke you in the night. Your breath hitches as he trails his fingers over your chest, you can feel your skin start to tingle with his every touch.

     "I knew you'd come back some day, you enjoyed it too much to leave forever." There's nothing you can really say for yourself. Not only because you're currently gagged, but also because he's completely right. The day you came back was inevitable. Dirk was just too damn good in bed. And speaking of too damn good, you're just now noticing that he removed your pants  _and_ boxers. How long have you been totally naked? You don't remember being totally naked. You don't even remember hearing the fabric move, let alone feeling it. 

     He leans down and starts placing soft kisses along your jawline and you tilt your head in a subtle invitation for him to kiss more. Dirk only chuckles and nips at your skin. In a low whisper he says, "I'm gonna ruin you." And you moan.

     The kid is barely even touching you, but you're still moaning at the back of your throat and arching your back for him. Fucking pathetic. He's not going to ruin you because he already has. You're ruined. Forever. All because of your kid brother.

     A rather embarrassing part about all this is that he uses your own pants as arm restraints. You didn't even know that was possible. But sure enough, He ties up one hand, loops the pant leg through the bars of your headboard, and then ties up the other hand. He even leaves room to tie both hands together and you're left completely defenseless. Minus your legs of course. But why would you even want to defend this in the first place?

     "I see you're already hard down there hm?" Yup. The ol' pocket rocket manages to prepare for launch yet again. Always rising to the challenge. Really getting a load ready for the final frontier. Totally prepared for Uranus. Uh. How many more rocketship jokes can you make before-- Oh. _Oh_. Hello there. Haha, yep. That's a hand alright. That is definitely a hand and it is definitely giving your rocket some love and affection. More moaning from behind the gag. You don't really try to bite it back because your pride can be hidden away during certain moments of your life. Especially sexual moments.

      Dirk starts one-handedly shuffling out of his clothes and you're pretty surprised at how he can do that so well and still keep his other hand moving at a nice pace. You sigh in relief when you realize he was going commando under his sweatpants, though you're honestly not surprised. He would do that when he was younger too. You momentarily forget that you don't have your shades on because Dirk starts laughing at you for eyeing him up. What can you say? He's attractive.

     You hear the familiar sound of a cap opening up and you know exactly what that means. Dirk is gonna prepare himself for you, maybe even put on a show if you're lucky. Also, you're tied up, which means he's going to ride you. What a great way to restart this beautiful romance. You don't have to do any of the work. Just let Dirk handle every- AH!

     There are very angry noises coming from behind your gag now. "Just relax bro, it's gonna be alright. I'll be gentle with your old ass." You're not that old. You don't look a day past  ~~25~~  20. Who is he, calling you old? Your ass is actually pretty ripe for the fucking, considering, oh yea,  **you top.** The only thing going up your ass is your fingers  ~~and the occasional dildo you may or may not have.~~

     Nevertheless, you relax your ass. Maybe if you let the kid have his moment, he'll realize what he's missing. He seems to really know how to work an ass though. Only makes you a bit uncomfortable. Well, it makes you a bit uncomfortable knowing that he's good at this, and you know he's good at this because you're only a bit uncomfortable. Haha, funny how that works. 

     You're still laughing at the subtle irony in that when Dirk surprises you with a second finger. Now that was uncomfortable. Your thoughts mainly consist of  _fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck_ and  _ohhhhh fuck_. A real internal conflict going here. Although, the latter of the two is quickly starting to win as Dirk begins scissoring and curling his fingers. Does the kid have that much practice on his own ass? Or does he practice on someone else's ass? And if so, who's ass?

     Wait, why do you care about that? As of this moment, Dirk is doing this to your ass. And that's all that matters. Who cares how well he does? Just as long as he does well. And holy hell is he doing well. Hey, that rhymed. What a pleasant thought. You know what they say, if it rhymes, then it's true. Like, for example, "Your bro is good in bed, yo." Okay, maybe that's not the  _best_ example, but it's the only thing on your mind right now.

     Shit, when did he slip a third finger in there? You didn't even notice that. Are you that good at distracting yourself or is he that good with his fingers? Probably both. But maybe more on his side because  _damn,_ you're squirming around on the bed with how he's treating you. Dirk is gentle and skilled and he knows just what to do to make you moan. You remember when it was the other way around, and you were the one making him moan. Oh how the turntables have.. Turned.. Yea..

     "Hey, Bro, you still there?" You nod, hell yea you're still here. "Alright, I'm gonna, y'know, do that now. But if you start flipping shit, just flash me a peace sign with your fingers, maybe scream a little behind your gag." Or, he could take out the gag and you could use a safeword like a fucking normal couple. Then again, you and Dirk have never really been a normal couple. But, ok, you suppose you can abide by his terms.

     Dirk shuffles around, gingerly placing your legs over his shoulders and then crawling between them. The way he looks at you makes your heart melt a little with some sort of emotion (it's probably love, but you don't want to admit that just yet) and you wish you could reach up and pull him into a kiss. But you can't, so you don't. You just stare into those bright orange eyes as he stares back into your bright red ones. And it makes you feel complete.

     He pushes himself in at a slow pace, pressing in and then pulling out and then pressing in again and then pulling out again. Five. You count five before he's all the way in. Fuck, he's bigger than you remembered. Not extremely thick or long, just kinda in between. It feels pretty fucking good actually. Much better than a dildo.

     His pace is smooth and gentle at first, it's relaxing and pleasing. But he flashes you a quick smirk before leaning down more, doubling you over, and really starting to thrust. The tie in your mouth is covered in your own drool since you don't have time to swallow with all the moaning you're doing. Your fists clench and unclench, grasping at the air. 

     Dirk only grips your hips and moves faster.

     Everything is fast. So fast. It's rough too, but that just makes it better. Dirk is biting his lip so hard you think it might bleed, but you can still hear his grunts and groans above you, despite how soft they are. Your noises are completely unfiltered at this point and you realize that Dirk was totally right when he said you enjoyed this too much. It's like heaven.

     You know you're probably going to hell, but you think that's okay if you can have this little slice of heaven. This slice of blinding white heaven. You're actually seeing white behind the lids of your closed eyes and you didn't even know that shit was  _possible_ , but here you are, living proof of intense pleasure. At this rate, there's no way you're lasting long. You can already feel that familiar knot at the bottom of your stomach.

     Dirk uses his mouth to pull the tie out of your mouth (and yes, he does stop momentarily to do that before continuing), but then his lips are on yours, crushing you with force and passion. You're moaning into his mouth. He's moaning into your mouth. Jake can probably hear you silencing each other's moans, but, fuck if you care. Dirk doesn't even need to touch you because everything else already has you spilling onto the both of your chests. It's an amazing feeling and also a strange one because you came solely off your butt getting fucked. But hey, it was worth it.

     Once you come down from your high on cloud 9, you realize there's cum in your ass, but other than that, you're empty. That's three times Dirk has managed to surprise you in one night. You must be getting rusty if you can't pick up on it. You'll need to work on that. Maybe get him back later or something. Slip an inside joke into your newest movie. Yea, that'll get him.

     For now though, you'll work on catching your breath. Dirk unties your wrists from the headboard before pulling his sweatpants and tshirt back on. As much as you'd love to snuggle, you understand why he needs to go back to Jake and pretend like this didn't just happen. He gets up and stretches. You just lay there and watch him, too exhausted to move.

     He opens the door and then pauses, turning to look at you over his shoulder, "Are we gonna do this again or are you gonna make me wait another three years?"

     You roll your eyes. At least you're not that stupid. Dirk may be able to move quickly and silently, but the kid can never realize when something is gonna be alright. He probably has abandonment issues or something (*cough* _your fault_ *cough*). "As long as you don't fucking surprise me like that, then yea, sure."

     Dirk nods and bites his lip, "I love you."

     You sigh, "I know."

     And then he leaves and goes back to his room, pretending like you two didn't just have sex. But it's different this time. It's different because you won't leave him this time. It may be wrong and you may get in some deep shit if anyone finds out, but you won't leave him. He knows you won't leave him. And you know you won't leave him. Because the truth in all of this is:

     He's always gonna be your type.

**Author's Note:**

> Hahaha, what a fucking cheesy ending. Or is it ironic? Gotcha there compadres. 
> 
> P.S.- Requests are always accepted and thought about and usually written.
> 
>  
> 
> (Note to Kooper: Your "special" list of vocab words were never used in this fic.)


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